Afraid of Life After Lockdown? Me Too.

Throughout lockdown, like many others, I’ve been living with an ever-present, unwavering background hum of anxiety and worry. This is hardly surprising: we’re existing in the middle of a crisis where our health is at threat, our economy is steadily collapsing, and there’s an ongoing bombardment of doom and gloom plastered across the media. It’s not exactly a cheery time at the moment. But deep down, I know there’s another reason behind my lingering feeling of dread.

I don’t really want lockdown to end.

Yes, this confession is coming from a place of privilege. I know that I’m in an incredibly lucky position where I’m financially stable and I haven’t lost any loved ones. I also understand all the problems that lockdown is creating and of course I don’t want these to continue or escalate. The trauma and loss that has been caused by this virus needs to end and I hope it ends soon. It’s not that I want to be in lockdown forever but, despite all this, the anxious side of me is very scared of it ending.

Two months into lockdown and now past the initial feelings of boredom and frustration, I’ve found a sense of comfort in this quiet, slowed pace of life. It’s not all perfect: I struggle to find motivation most days; I’ve become hyper-aware of what I eat in comparison to how much exercise I do (which is very little); and I grumble at my parents like an angsty teenager on a daily basis. But compared to how I was feeling before lockdown, it’s a hell of a lot better.

The truth is, I don’t want to return to my old life. Of course there are so many moments of it that I took for granted and am desperate to have again: being able to hug my big sister; getting to watch her walk down the aisle at her wedding in October; going to festivals with my friends and wearing stupid clothes and dancing to stupid songs before collapsing in our tents in a fit of stupid drunken giggles.

But the rest of it? The consuming stress of cancelled trains and rush hour on the tube? The exhaustion and burnout of trying to balance my social life with my commuter life while still getting enough rest to keep me going? The crushing low self-esteem from constantly comparing myself to other people and feeling like I’m falling behind because I don’t have it all figured out? I don’t want that back.

Lockdown has finally given me the pause I needed at a time where I was quietly edging closer to breaking point. I had lost sight of everything that made me happy, I had no enjoyment in the things I used to love, I had completely lost my “spark”. I felt like I was stuck in an ongoing downwards spiral with no control over how to make any of it better.

Suddenly, lockdown came and with it some of the pressure I was feeling before was lifted. I don’t have any ‘FOMO’ anymore because there’s nothing happening that I need to be afraid of missing out on. I finally have the time and energy to rediscover the things I used to love. And public transport is very much a distant memory at the moment.

But I’m terrified that once lockdown is over, I’ll be thrown straight back into that downwards spiral. Combine it with the new worries of Covid-related regulations and challenges, and life after lockdown really isn’t looking that appealing.

While it may seem like the majority of people are desperate for lockdown to end, I know that I’m not the only one who is hesitant about what the future holds. Search online and there are countless posts and articles admitting the same fear. Last month, The Washington Post released an article named ‘Why You Might be Dreading the End of Lockdown‘. In it, staying at home is likened to being in a “lockdown cocoon” – a small bubble of respite against all the crazy happening outside in the world. By having to slow our lives down and reduce them to the four walls of our homes, we have found a much bigger appreciation of the joys in life. We finally have the time and space to “feel different kinds of positive emotions that we typically race past, like the coziness of connections, the deep-in-your-bones gratitude at being healthy, of being able to access decent food”. With the stresses of modern life taken away – traffic, pollution, crowds, noise – we can finally breathe, be still and reflect.

Over the last couple of months, a lot of us have formed a different kind of normal with new routines and new habits. It might be waking up later, doing a Joe Wicks workout every morning, going for a walk every evening (if you have that much structure in your life at the moment then props to you). But once lockdown lifts, we’ll be forced to leave our safe cocoons and change these routines and habits. Change can be daunting and it’s even more daunting when you don’t know exactly what the new normal will look like.

We’re not sure how long lockdown will go on for and we’re not sure what the world will look like when it starts to open up again. Even if we know what we want to do after lockdown, it’s uncertain whether it will be possible or not. These unknowns are out of our control. But what is within our control is what we’ll choose to prioritise in the future and what we’ll allow, or not allow, into our lives. If I’ve learnt anything in the past year it’s that life is too precious to spend it being unhappy yet being too afraid to do anything differently. Now is the time to acknowledge the things that you want to change and think of the small steps you can take towards making your life that little bit better.

Lockdown has forced us to live differently and, as such, has given us an opportunity to reevaluate and reset our values. For every negative that has come with being in lockdown, there has been a positive, be it hope, gratitude, or finding joy in the small things. Whether we choose to carry these new values into life after lockdown is up to us.

Love, Beth x